Most of us would say that a hot first date qualifies as a successful date. But, how about when you date someone, decide that you don’t like them, and learn something about yourself in the process? What is a successful date? The “definition” of a date is when people meet socially with the intent of finding out if the other person is a suitable partner for romance, an intimate relationship, or marriage. Although dating varies from country to country and culture to culture, it typically involves a couple sharing social activities alone or in a group. Dating is the earliest stage in courtship. With the advent of online dating, a person can do some of the work of the first date without ever meeting a person face to face.

Is a Hot First Date Always a Successful Date?

If your wish for a first date is to have sex as soon as possible, then a hot first date is exactly what you want. But, if you have had a long series of hot first dates that never developed into serious relationships, maybe you need to rethink the process. We have often mentioned the “serial dater” who seduces many women only to find himself alone in the end, down at the end of the bar with no one to go home to. (How to Avoid Being a Serial Dater) There are good reasons why courtship is so formal in many societies. The point is to get to know the other person and decide if you really like them as opposed to being sexually desperate and willing to fall into bed with anyone! Couples that find each other sexually attractive too often bypass the basic work of getting to know each other. And, when that work has not been done, such romances all too often fail after pregnancy, children, marriage and an unsuccessful attempt at making a life together. Even worse, a woman may fall into an abusive relationship for the rest of her life, long after the thrill of the initial sexual attraction fades away.

Success in Speed Dating

The point of speed dating is to meet a lot of people with pre-selected characteristics and to do it very efficiently. What is a successful date at such a gathering? While it is certainly possible to find the love of your life through a speed dating event, you are more likely to end up with a short list of good prospects. This level of success is more in line with the traditional sense of dating as the very first step in the ladder of courtship. And, with a little reflection comes insight. Who did you like the most? Who seemed to like you? Which persons were you able to very quickly remove from your list of possible romantic and life partners?

In our old article, Kiss Twenty Boys, we suggested a similar approach but without the formality of speed dating events. When we start dating, our ideas about what we want and what we need in life are rather immature and may even border on fantasy. Part of the basic work of dating is to learn about ourselves as much as we learn about others. In the article we also note that going to twenty events together and taking twenty trips can be just as important as kissing twenty times or kissing twenty boys. Experience is a great teacher when we are patient enough to learn its lessons.

The Coffee Shop Date

When your first date is simply meeting up in a local coffee shop, the odds of a hot first date are typically pretty slim. Also, the risk of any danger is virtually nonexistent. If you are uncomfortable you can simply leave and if you are enjoying the company of your new friend you can simply order another latte, mocha, or frappuccino.

The Coffee Shop Date

Dating in a non-threatening setting with no huge expectations lets the two of you relax and get to know each other. This is the point of a cheap first date as opposed to a formal Saturday night date at an expensive restaurant with inflated expectations. What is a successful date at a coffee shop? It is a good cup of coffee, good conversation, and an agreement to meet again, exchange phone numbers, or swap email addresses.

Other varieties of cheap first date include trips to the museum, walks in the park, or any other activity that is not in a loud setting and allows the two of you to have a conversation.

Successful Second and Third Dates

While a successful first date may end in deciding that this sort of person will never be right for you, a second or third date is with someone you know and have chosen to meet again. As such, unless you are just marking time until Prince Charming arrives, a successful date will involve some sort of progress towards a solid relationship, romance, and intimacy. (Marry a Prince and Beware of the Prince Charming Fallacy)

What is a successful date when the two of you have been seeing each other for a week, month, or year? First of all, when you have only been seeing each other for a week or a month, you are still dating. When you have known each other for a year, it is something different.

The point of dating is to find someone with whom to establish a relationship. If you are still “dating” the same person after a year, the two of you are having trouble making up your minds or have been unable to get together very often. In either case it does not look promising. The point of dating is to find someone to spend your life with. If you have not decided within a year that this is the right person or if your lives are such that you can never see each other, find someone else because what you have is not working out! This applies just as much when the two of you are compatible sexually but the relationship is not progressing. There really are more fish in the sea so go online again and go fishing.

Cyrano de Bergerac and Roxanne