You are dating this really neat person and having a great time. Then you see them talking to another person and enjoying themself and you are jealous. It’s OK to want the attention of your new friend but if you become excessively jealous and possessive you will drive them away. What are the ways that jealousy ruins relationships and how can you deal with it? Uncommon Help offers an example and several tips for overcoming jealousy in relationships.

Kevin admitted that when they went out in public, he would insist she sit toward a wall so that she couldn’t see (or be seen by) other potential attractive mates. If he caught her chatting or joking with male neighbors or colleagues, he would assume right off she was having an affair. She had stopped seeing a really good male friend she’d known since childhood and he’d “banned” her from chatting to a 70-year-old married man who lived next door. This was maddening.

His jealousy was all-encompassing; from attractive male movie stars to male teachers of her young children. At first (before realizing how destructive it was to become), she’d been flattered by the intensity of his jealous attentions – after all, it showed he cared, right? But the constant anxiety, loss of her freedom, and sheer clinginess (he would text every half-hour if she went out with a girlfriend) were now torture to her and also to him.

The root cause of jealousy is fear of loss. If you were cheated on in a prior relationship you might always use that as a reference point and ruin successive relationships with your distrust and jealousy. On the other hand if there is a current time reason for your jealousy (your partner is doing this to manipulate you) your feelings are not out of line but it is time to move on. Assuming that the problem yours how can you deal with excessive jealousy?

Giving and Getting Trust

If you fear the loss of your relationship and are constantly jealous when he or she talks to other people you are demonstrating a lack of trust. After a while this gets tiresome and your new friend will really look elsewhere. Start acting like you trust them and then trust will replace fear, breaking the fear/jealousy/fear cycle.

Unhealthy Comparisons

All too often jealousy and fear are tied in to comparisons. We wish we could as tall and good looking, not to mention rich, as so and so. Then everyone would love us. The key here is to start liking yourself. We suggest this for avoiding abusive relationships but often times making unhealthy comparisons is a form of self-abuse.  Learning to like yourself makes you feel better and the need to feel jealous will go away.

Don’t Let Your Imagination Take Over

Your friend went with people from work to an evening event. They are not home yet. It occurs to you that he or she might be with someone else. It starts with a thought but your imagination runs wild and it becomes, to you, a fact. Keep your imagination in check or it will ruin your relationship.

Accept the Possibility of Failure

Nothing is certain in life and that includes successful and happy relationships. Dwelling on the possibility that things won’t work out and then being jealous of every bit of “proof” in the form on your friend interacting with others is a losing proposition.