Fighting and Making Up or Not

Even in very happy relationships couples have disagreements, hurt feelings and fights. Fights are almost inevitable in your dating, relationship or married life. How you deal with each other, how you deal with the issues involved and how you resolve issues can be critical to the success of your relationship. And, if you never fight in a relationship, that can be a problem as well.

An Issue Arises

In an old episode of I Love Lucy, Lucy reads advice in the newspaper to the effect that if you have been married for a year and have not had a fight that there is something wrong with your marriage and it will not last. Of course Lucy picks a fight with Ricky who had thought that things were going pretty well.  In fact, there are commonly areas of disagreement in any relationship and all too often these areas are not addressed until one or the other feels hurt and becomes angry. At this point voicing a concern is a great idea when done in a fair and responsible manner. Sniping at your partner, making demeaning comments or threatening are sure fire ways to damage a relationship.

Fighting Fair and Constructively

A good way to deal with fighting is to start with yourself. How do you feel? Do you feel hurt, sad, angry or afraid? What precisely is it that is causing your feelings? Sometimes we relate a current issue to past issues in our lives and this triggers intense emotions. Remind yourself that it is OK to have feelings. And remand yourself that it is also OK for your partner to have feelings as well. Think about the hard facts of the issue. Then talk to your partner. Communication leads to lasting relationships. Say what you believe is happening and how this affects you. Ask your partner to do the same if he or she has not already done so. Remember both of you have a right to be heard and both of you have a right to a fair solution. If you are having trouble at this level you might want to talk to a counselor for help in identifying issues and the steps you need to take to deal with them.

When Not Making Up Is Better

There really are couples that are not compatible. Perhaps it is the hot first date that gets them together or maybe it is that they believed that they needed to marry the first person who was interested in them. No matter how we get to this point it happens all too often that we love someone but do not like them or get along with them. If this is the case a fair fight will result in the two of you finding out that while you may be compatible lovers you are not a good match for a long term happy relationship. And, if your partner is physically or psychologically abusive, pack up your things and the kids and head for the door. There are times when making up after a fight is a really bad idea and when your physical or mental health is at stake it is time to protect yourself and leave.

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