Does fighting and making up in relationships help or hurt? Maybe you and your boyfriend or girlfriend never fight, and maybe the two of you cannot get through a date without an argument. What is best? Is there a best way to resolve differences in a dating relationship? Here are a few thoughts about fighting and making up in relationships.

Culture and Background

Where you were born and raised can have a lot to do with fighting and making up in relationships. An old friend of mine moved from the farm country of Iowa to a suburb in New Jersey. She came from a background where the proper thing to do was not to insult anyone and not to cause hard feelings. She landed in a neighborhood of Italians who had just moved out of Newark. She came from a place where people never talked about what was bothering them. She landed in a place where people screamed at each other over what seemed to be minor things. My friend’s take home lesson was that fighting and making up in relationships in her new home was healthier and a more effective way of dealing with disagreements than the poor communication model that she knew on the farm.

Driving a Verbal Knife into the Heart

Then there is the matter of a fair fight. Fighting and making up in relationships can work but not if one or the other poisons the relationship during the fight. Repeatedly telling your special someone that they are stupid is an effective way to cause a breakup or a lifetime of hurt. Saving that especially hurtful thing that you know about your friend and then using it to hurt them during a fight may win you the fight but lose you the relationship.

Fighting Fair

Fighting and making up in relationships should allow both of you to say what you think. It is important to say what is truthful when you fight about something. Lies never solve anything. Even if you are really angry say what you want to say and then let your boyfriend or girlfriend say what they want to say. And then listen. Insist that your friend listen to what you are saying and be sure that you listen to what you friend is saying. A good fair fight may be just the thing to help both of understand where the other stands on important issues in your relationship.

Being True to Yourself

The poet and playwright, William Shakespeare, penned the words, “To thine own self be true and it must follow as night the day thou canst not then be false to any man.” My friend found in her move to New Jersey that she had not been true to herself when she lived in a culture that insisted that she take care of others to her own detriment. Although she was at first surprised at the energy of the fights of her new friends and neighbors she learned that they spoke their minds, cleared the air, and went on with their lives without holding grudges. Fighting and making up in relationships can be a good way to clarify issues in a relationship. Just make sure that you stay true to yourself along the way.