Is speaking to people not really your thing? Are you so lazy that you can’t be bothered to be in public very often? Do you really hate showering? If so, you should try online dating. Here are eight tips to make your online dating profile stand out. Use them all. We can guarantee you’ll stand out, but maybe not always in a good way.

1) Write in iambic pentameter

Or free verse. Or haiku. And require anyone who sends you a message to do the same. When you’re on your first in-person date, speak this way, too. Immediately dump anyone who doesn’t. Have some self-respect, people.

2) All caps, no punctuation

THIS IS A REALLY GREAT IDEA ESPECIALLY FOR EXTROVERTS BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL SEE HOW PERKY AND ENTHUSIASTIC YOU ARE ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE BAND BEING DAVE MATTHEWS.

3) Post a (nearly) naked photo

Leave a little bit to the imagination, but not too much. Posting a naked or nearly naked photo of yourself lets people know that you are seriously on the market. You’ll get winks and messages forever.

4) Long walks on the beach?! Hate ’em

Be a contrarian. Be the exact opposite of what you think the “normals” would be attracted to on an online dating site. You’re looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now! (Or vice versa.)

5) Be completely and totally honest

You want to meet your future spouse, don’t you? Be up front about your Irritable Bowel Syndrome, debilitating back, and propensity to dominate political conversations despite knowing little else than you’ve seen on Fox News.

6) Have an attention-grabbing headline

Other than your picture, this is how you get people to give you a chance. Try something like, “Lookin’ 4 A BF — Juggalos or Furries Should Definitely Apply!”

7) Share your income

And add $100,000 to the final number. On the other hand, if you’re committed to being a “working creative” but really wait tables for a living, link to your portfolio and call yourself a dreamer. Everyone will think that you’re the real deal.

8) Don’t be desperate

You’ll be sure to stand out