What do you do when you become angry at the person whom you love? You had a hot first date. Things were going well and then both of you have become angry about something or other. What do you do? Do you pick a fight or sulk? Do you go on the attack or give him or her the cold shoulder? Do you want to win the fight or keep the relationship? This article has to do with the disagreements, irritations and outright fights that occur in relationships. There is such a thing as always fighting to win and such a thing as fighting fair. Our suggestion in that when tempers rise that you think about whether you want to win the fight or keep the relationship. Time outs are good if you need time to think clearly. Holding your tongue is an even better idea if you are prone to say hurtful things to get back at the other person. Do you want to win the fight or keep the relationship? Read on.
Hurt, Angry, Not Thinking Clearly
Fights in relationships are never really about facts. Fights in relationships are about feelings. We develop expectations of those whom we love and who love us. Paramount is the belief that the person who loves us will always treat us fairly and never do anything to hurt us. Along the way we often forget that even the most loving person can be forgetful, make mistakes or simply be clueless. You may be really good at problem solving when it is someone else’s problem but it can be difficult to think clearly when you feel hurt by someone whom you love. Here are a few simple things to do when feelings are hurt and tempers rise.
- Take a Time Out
- Before you sink your teeth into the other person’s neck, so to speak, call a time out so that both of your can think clearly.
- Write down a set of rules for fighting
- This is just another way of creating some breathing space so that it does not boil down to win the fight or keep the relationship. At the top of your set of rules should be that each person states how they feel!
- Eat a snack
- A lot of folks find that when they get hungry they get irritable as well. Often times a candy bar is the answer to the win the fight or keep the relationship issue.
- Take a nap
- This is similar to the hunger issue. Fatigue makes everything worse. Call a time out and take a nap and then fix the problem.
- Say the words, I love you but we have a problem here
- A good way to derail opposing arguments is to put the issues in perspective. The two of you are in a relationship. You care about each other and are not trying to cause harm. So sort through the issues and find a solution.
- Go out together on a date
- Think of some romantic date ideas and put the discussion of facts until the two of you remember why you are in love. After all, the issue is feelings and not facts anyway.
Unto Thine Own Self Be True
In general we want to keep the relationship that we are in and think through how to do that without always fighting to win. But, there are relationships that are way too one-sided. Are you the one who always gives in and are you the one who always has to work through explaining why it is that the two of you love each other and it is OK if she or he is always clueless? If that is the case think of Shakespeare’s words and give yourself a break. Go and talk to a friend or even a counselor. The point is that there are indeed times when relationships are bad for you and you need to get out. If you never fight for your rights and always give in it may be time to stand up for your rights or simply find someone different in your life. In the end you always deserve a happy relationship.