You are out on a date with a very attractive man or woman. Your mouth is becoming dry as you are becoming sexually aroused. All sorts of warm, romantic, and sensual thoughts pass through your mind. You whisper the words, “I love you.” But is it love or lust? Scientists tell us that falling in love is a combination of sexual attraction towards a specific person and a need for emotional attachment. When lust and emotional attachment come together it is love and when the emotional part it missing you may have a hot first date but will not proceed to a longer term relationship. Is your goal sex on the first date? If so you do not need to ask yourself, “Is it love or lust?” If what you are looking for is sex with someone that you like and want to spend time with then you want to know, “Is it love or lust,” and proceed accordingly.
Sex and Relationships
Some time back we wrote about lust and relationships. We say that:
“despite the fact that seeing a naked body is a turn on, science is now telling us that love is all in our heads! More precisely there are a dozen discrete areas of the brain that get involved in lust and relationships, the complex process of falling in and remaining in love. Think of falling in love as being a combination of lust, specific attraction to an individual, and a yearning for emotional attachment. To a degree the process starts from the inside and works its way out to the surface. Remember that the primitive brain is the center of basic emotions and the relay center as well. The outer brain, added later in evolution, is the area of higher reasoning, awareness, perception and judgment. To achieve a long term, satisfying relationship the process often needs to start with lust and sweaty sex and works its way to the surface and a sense of comfort and satisfaction with each other. Also, the process tends to repeat itself in mutually satisfying relationships when happily married couples routinely make “bedroom eyes” at each other and repeat the inside to outside process that combines lust and relationships.”
Is It Love Or Lust Or Do You Really Care?
We often comment on these pages that dating ought to be fun. You put your resume on a couple of dating sites and meet a person to two or three. You exchange emails and chat online. Then it comes time to go out in the real world. Depending on your propensity for sexual fantasy you may have had all sort of warm and moist thoughts about how that first date will turn out. Remember that you want to spend your life with a person who is fun to be with, attentive to your needs (including sexual needs), a generally responsible person, and sexually attractive. A good way to find out about this person is to spend time together and decide if you are enjoying yourself. After a date are you relieved that it is over or do you have nice memories? Is it love or lust? If you are thinking of great new sexual positions for the next date it is probably lust. If you are thinking of fun and exciting sex with this person for the rest of your life it is probably love. It the meantime put your resume out there; meet some people; have a good time; and when things click you can eventually ask yourself, “is it love or lust?”, after you have a few romantic evenings.