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Why Is It Difficult to Move from a Dating App to a Real Date?

Online dating can make it easier to meet people and easier to decide if the person we met online is someone whom we want to see in person. Specialized dating apps have simply made this process more efficient. But, some folks are stuck in the dating app, texting back and forth, mode without ever going out on a “real” date. What is doing on in these cases? Why is it difficult to move from a dating app to a real date?

Reasons Why Folks Don’t Move from Apps to Real Dates

The short and sweet reasons that people usually get stuck in a dating app “Groundhog Day” are that they have gotten burned too many times in the dating world or they think that they will. The Washington Post in their column, Solo-ish, offers 5 reasons people who message on dating apps never move on to a face to face encounter.

I hear so often from men and women on dating apps who are frustrated that they’ve ended up as pen pals, so I spoke with several daters and a psychologist to try get to the bottom of whether daters want to be pen pals, or if it’s just something that happens when you’re trying to meet your soul mate but you’re too tired to put on pants and go out.

The five reasons boil down to these:

  • Nothing else to do and texting back and forth fills the empty hours
  • Past experience was that great texting did not turn in a great date
  • Long term problem with insecurity and meeting people
  • Using the texting game to boost their ego
  • Don’t believe that online dating leads to satisfying relationships

The first of their reasons reminds us of fantasy dating. This is not really dating. It is a game.

There are all sorts of online fantasy dating games to choose from. But, if you play a fantasy dating game, are you learning about dating or living a fantasy? To an extent fantasy dating is like little girls playing with dolls. It is play acting real life and doing so in preparation for the real thing. Fantasy dating by adults is commonly just fantasy and should not be confused with the useful work that children do in preparing for adulthood. If you are a devotee of fantasy dating make sure that you understand that what you are doing is playing and not engaging in the real thing.

There is nothing wrong with playing the “texting game” so long as you do not fool yourself into thinking that you are really doing this in order to find a person, fall in love, develop and relationship, and spend a lifetime together. Number four is similar but in this case the person probably knows exactly what they are doing. Unfortunately, they will probably end up like a serial dater, alone and unfulfilled.

Numbers Two and Five are similar. In each case the person got burned. Either it was a bad first date or the dating did not turn out well. In these cases, we have to wonder about the resumes these folks posted and their choices of folks to text with. The advantage of online dating is that it can help you more effectively pick the right person and avoid wasting your time. The answer to this problem is to go back to square one, rewrite your resume, and make better choices next time.

The issue of insecurity is probably not limited to a person’s dating life. It needs to be dealt with because, aside from making it harder to find someone and form a relationship, insecurity can ruin a relationship as well. If your insecurities are minor they can be dealt with by putting yourself in situations where you will find success and less insecurity. If the problem is deeper, then professional help is probably needed.

¿Estás listo para una relación?

Se ha escrito mucho sobre hombres que no quieren comprometerse con una relación. Este rasgo es comúnmente visto como un defecto de carácter. Pero, no todos quieren o están listos para una relación seria y de largo plazo. Aquí hay algunas razones y algunos pensamientos acerca de saber cuándo está listo para una relación.

Acabas de romper

Estabas en lo que pensabas que era una relación seria y no funcionó. O bien la otra persona no era seria o hubo problemas de compatibilidad que surgieron cuando vivían juntos. Usted pudo haber estado casado o tal vez fue una relación a largo plazo. De cualquier manera necesitarás tiempo para arreglar las cosas. Qué tan pronto puede salir con alguien después un divorcio o la ruptura de una relación a largo plazo variará de persona a persona. Pero, tomar tu tiempo es importante.

Hay varios factores que dictan cuándo es sabio salir después de un divorcio y cuándo es inteligente esperar un rato. El primer tema es el temido rebote. Luego están los hijos y el estado de sus finanzas. El divorcio es traumático y el dolor del divorcio debe ser tratado. Sin embargo, lo más saludable que se puede hacer es volver a salir después de un divorcio, aprender de sus errores y pasar a una vida feliz.

Una buena idea al comenzar a salir nuevamente después de un divorcio es simplemente salir y socializar. No intente saltar de nuevo en una relación cuando esté confundido acerca de por qué el último se estrelló y se quemó. Cuando la vida haya vuelto a una nueva normalidad y encuentre a alguien atractivo e interesante, será hora de invitarlos a una cita.

Incapaz de comprometerse contra miedo al compromiso

Hay buenas razones para no comprometerse con una relación a largo plazo. Usted está en el ejército y se le asigna rutinariamente a tareas peligrosas. No desea casarse y formar una familia hasta que esté en un servicio menos peligroso. O bien, estás en un programa universitario profesional que tardará años en completarse, requiere todo tu tiempo y esfuerzo, y requiere que viajes mucho también. Puede que simplemente no sea práctico planificar una relación seria hasta que haya terminado.

Pero, ¿qué pasa si no tiene una buena razón “externa” para evitar una relación seria? ¿Qué sucede si simplemente no quiere la carga de cuidar o cuidar de otra persona, y especialmente de los niños? Si este es el caso, realmente no está listo para una relación seria a largo plazo. Lo único en este caso es ser honesto con tu amigo. ¡Es injusto hacer que ella, o él, esperen años en la errónea creencia de que eventualmente querrá avanzar al siguiente paso! Si realmente tienes miedo del compromiso, debes ser honesto contigo mismo, con cualquier persona con quien salgas, y aceptar las consecuencias.

Are You Ready for a Relationship?

A lot has been written about men who do not want to commit to a relationship. This trait is commonly seen as a character flaw. But, not everyone wants or is ready for a long term, serious relationship. Here are some reasons why and some thoughts about knowing when you are ready for a relationship.

You Just Broke Up

You were in what you thought was a serious relationship and it did not work out. Either the other person was not serious or there were compatibility issues that arose when you lived together. You may have been married or maybe it was a long term relationship. Either way you will need time to sort things out. How soon to date after a divorce or the breakup of a long term relationship will vary from person to person. But, taking your time is important.

There are several factors that dictate when it is wise to date after a divorce and when it is smart to wait a while. The first issue is the dreaded rebound. Then there are the children and the state of your finances. Divorce is traumatic and the pain of divorce should be dealt with. However, the healthy thing to do eventually is to date again after a divorce, learn from your mistakes and move on to a happy life.

A good idea when starting to date again after a divorce is to simply go out and socialize. Don’t try to jump back into a relationship when you are confused about why the last one crashed and burned. When life has come back to a new normal and you find someone to be attractive and interesting, it will be time to ask them out on a date.

Unable to Commit versus Afraid of Commitment

There are good reasons not to commit to a long term relationship. You are in the military and are routinely assigned to dangerous duty. You do not want to get married and start a family until you are on less hazardous duty. Or, you are in a professional university program that will take years to complete, require all of your time and effort, and require that you travel a lot too. It may simply not be practical to plan a serious relationship until you are done.

But, what if you have no good “external” reason to avoid a serious relationship. What if you simply do not want the burden of taking care of or caring about someone else, and especially children? If this is the case you are really not ready for a serious long term relationship. The only thing in this case is to be honest with your friend. It is unfair to make her, or him, wait for years in the mistaken belief that you will eventually want to progress to the next step! If you are truly afraid of commitment you need to honest with yourself, any anyone whom you go out with, and accept the consequences.

¿Cuándo se convierte la citas en una relación?

Has estado saliendo con un nuevo amigo. Parece que te llevas bien. Tal vez incluso has sido íntimo. Pero, ¿esto sigue siendo una serie de citas, o están ustedes dos pasando a algo más permanente? ¿Cuándo las citas se convierten en una relación? Aquí hay algunos pensamientos sobre las piedras de milla que alcanzamos en el camino.

Cepillo de dientes por el fregadero y la ropa en el armario

Dormir toda la noche juntos es una buena señal de que su relación está progresando. Es un paso más allá de tener relaciones sexuales y luego uno u otro ir a casa. Pero cuando las citas se están convirtiendo en una relación, cada uno de ustedes tiene un cepillo de dientes junto al lavabo del baño del otro y al menos un cambio de ropa interior en el cajón de la cómoda y la ropa en el armario del otro. Estas son señales de que te sientes cómodo el uno con el otro y no solo de marcar el tiempo hasta que aparezca la persona “correcta”.

Conocer a la familia o no

¿Has conocido a miembros de las familias de los demás? Si es así, ¿era una hermana o hermano a quien ya conocía, o fue en una reunión familiar? Cuando cada uno de ustedes se sienta cómodo conociendo a la otra familia, y no surjan problemas incómodos, su relación puede convertirse en una relación.

Viajando juntos

Cuando se va de vacaciones o simplemente se va para el fin de semana, es para hacer algo que ustedes desean hacer. Cuando ustedes dos comienzan a ir juntos, o les gustan las mismas cosas o están siendo considerados el uno con el otro. Ambos son buenos signos de que tus citas se están convirtiendo en una relación.

Primera persona en la mañana y última persona en la noche

Cuando tus citas se convierten en una relación, los dos forman parte de la vida de los demás. Él o ella es la primera persona que piensas y hablas por la mañana. Y usted es la última persona en quien piensa y habla antes de irse a dormir. Esto puede suceder gradual o rápidamente, pero es una buena señal de que su relación se haya convertido en una relación.

La primera elección de cosas para hacer es algo contigo

Las personas solteras tienen sus pasatiempos y pasatiempos favoritos. Su vida social es algo separado. Pero, cuando su relación se está convirtiendo en una relación, los dos preferirían pasar más tiempo juntos que estar separados y, a menudo, no importa mucho lo que estén haciendo, siempre y cuando lo hagan juntos. Este es un signo temprano de las citas que se convierten en una relación.

Cómodo con tiempo solito también

Cuando hemos estado solos durante mucho tiempo y finalmente encontramos a alguien a quien amamos, aún podemos tener miedo de perderlos. Esto puede llevar a aferrarse o incluso manipularse para mantener a su nuevo amigo cerca y lejos de la “competencia”. Cuando su nivel de amor mutuo, afecto y confianza madura, ambos pueden estar lejos haciendo cosas sin tener el miedo abyecto de ser abandonado. Este puede ser el paso final de las citas para convertirse en una relación.

When Does Dating Turn into a Relationship?

You have been going out with a new friend. You seem to get along well. Maybe you even have been intimate. But, is this still a series of dates, or are the two of you moving on to something more permanent? When does dating turn into a relationship? Here are some thoughts about the mile stones we reach along the way.

Toothbrush by the Sink and Clothes in the Closet

Sleeping over is a good sign that your relationship is progressing. It is a step past having sex and then one or the other going home. But, when dating is turning into a relationship, each of you has a toothbrush by the other’s bathroom sink and a least a change of underwear in the dresser drawer and clothes in the other’s closet. These are signs that you are comfortable with each other and not just marking time until the “right” person comes along.

Meeting the Family or Not

Have you met members of each other’s families? If so, was it a sister or brother whom you already knew, or was it at a family gathering? When each of you is comfortable with meeting the other family, and no uncomfortable issues arise, your dating may be turning into a relationship.

Traveling Together

When you go on vacation or just go away for the weekend, it is to do something you want to do. When the two of you start going together, you either like the same things or are being thoughtful of each other. Both are good signs that your dating is turning into a relationship.

First Person in the Morning and Last Person at Night

When your dating has turned into a relationship the two of you are parts of each other’s lives. He or she is the first person you think of and talk to in the morning. And you are the last person that he or she thinks of and talks to before going to sleep. This may happen gradually or quickly but it is a good sign that your dating has turned into a relationship.

First Choice of Things to Do Is You

Single people have their favorite pastimes and hobbies. Their social life is a separate thing. But, when your dating is turning into a relationship, the two of you would rather spend time together than be apart and it often does not make much difference what you are doing, so long as you are doing it together. This is an early sign of dating turning into a relationship.

Comfortable with Time Alone Too

When we have been alone for a long time and finally find someone whom we love, we can still be afraid of losing them. This can leading to clinging or even manipulation to keep your new friend close and away from the “competition.” When your level of mutual love, affection, and trust matures, both of you can be away doing things without having the abject fear of being abandoned. This may be the final step of dating turning into a relationship.

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