Here you are in your late thirties looking for another relationship. Are you afraid of commitment? Most folks go on dates so that they can meet someone who is fun, interesting, sexy and a good match for a lifetime relationship. Years ago we wrote about the concept of a dating professional, someone who knows how to have fun and get lots of hot first dates but repeatedly ends up alone in the bar looking for his or her next conquest.
Much of the dating advice that we give on these pages could be learned through experience. The more times that you go out with someone the more you learn about dating. However, most people eventually find that special someone. They cease to have dates and have a relationship. So, they don’t really get to be overly skilled at dating. If you develop a professional expertise at dating it can be a problem. Beware of being a dating professional. After all, the point of going out is to develop a relationship with someone. If you become too skilled at getting what you want, like frequent sex, in dating you likely are having issues with moving on to a relationship. Beware of being a dating professional because dating professionals don’t end up in strong and healthy relationships. Beware of being a dating professional because in the end everyone else moves on and you are left at the bar, alone.
So, here you are alone in the bar looking for another date. You may or may not be especially successful at getting a date or having sex on the first date but your relationships always fade away. Perhaps you are afraid of commitment.
The Next Step
No matter where you are in a relationship there is always a next step. You had a great first date and now you need to call your new friend (not text but call), chat a bit and set up the next date. You have been dating and having frequent sex, staying over and thinking about sharing an apartment. You are living together and your friend and lover wants to get married and starts talking about buying a home, having children and spending a lifetime together. Or you have just gotten married and are deciding whether to stay in the same town move across the country. Each of these steps requires a degree of commitment. If you are afraid of commitment you will probably be stuck at or before the living together stage. Why is that?
Happy Until Asked to Commit
An article published by eHarmony sheds light on why people are afraid to commit and how fear of commitment plays out when they are asked to do so.
The damaging effect of fear of commitment is that it affects the thinking and perception of the person affected. They may have believed they were blissfully happy with someone when everything was free and easy and they weren’t tied down, but as soon as they feel like they are going to have to be in the relationship because of a promise they have made they start wanting the exact opposite.
The person may have a history of failed relationships and have difficulty trusting that this one will be any different. They may have parents who were not able to support them physically or emotionally or they may have made a big commitment before only to have their trust betrayed and their heart broken. Whatever the reason the root cause usually lies in the past and it is important to try and get to the root of it if you want to change the pattern and be able to overcome these difficulties.
If you are tired of the revolving door of relationships that fail because you are afraid to commit talk to a professional and deal with the issue and stop your self-defeating behavior.