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Dating Someone from Outside of Your Socioeconomic Class

The value of online dating is that it lets you meet a lot more people than you might have before the electronic and internet era. Little girls may have dreamed of meeting prince charming but the odds were always against dating someone from outside of your socioeconomic class. After all the rich go to different school than the rest of us and the well to do hang out in different places and take different vacations. On one hand the fact that we grow up with people of the same socioeconomic class helps with dating and building relationships because we have similar ideas about life, similar wishes and similar aspirations. But what happens in the world of online dating when you meet someone of a different socioeconomic class, have a hot first date and get to really like each other? Business Day writes about dating outside your social class.

We grew up watching classics like Cinderella, Coming to America, Pretty Woman, Nollywood’s Violated and a couple of other movies where love conquered the social class divide.

Fast forward to 2017, the Internet rules; anyone can meet anyone, and nobody kicks up a fuss about cross-class relationships or marriages anymore. It is not considered overtly scandalous. We no longer factor it in when considering the root of our relationship problems, and we look to psychology or gender norms instead when trying to figure out why our partner is being an ass. We pretend that we live in a classless society where background does not matter as much as present compatibility.

The fact of the matter is that while there may be less of a social stigma to dating outside of your socioeconomic class than there once was there are still potential issues that can torpedo a promising relationship.

Social class or shall we say socio-economic differences, still pose a very difficult challenge in relationships today. Anyone who has dated someone outside their social class can affirm that there are strange tensions and inevitable speed bumps that come with these kinds of relationships. It can be fraught with complications.

One of you has grown up in a wealthy family, never wanting for money, traveling a lot and not worrying about how to pay the next set of bills. The other grew up were every penny counted, where getting on the wrong side of someone in power led to family disaster and where there was always the gnawing concern about what might happen to derail an otherwise happy life.

Different ways of growing up lead to different attitudes and also to different adult lives. People who grow up poor and become rich commonly still maintain the concerns of where they came from. While you are not especially concerned about things that involve money, money is always in issue with your friend. While your friend just seems to assume that things will work out well, you fret over the details.

If you meet and fall in love with someone from a different socioeconomic class it can certainly work out. But it helps to admit that there might be issues and to talk about them. As we commonly say, communication leads to lasting relationships.


Does Dating Bore You?

Finding the love of your life should be fun and even exciting. But all of the new dating apps have made looking for the love of your life so mechanical. Does dating bore you? Maybe you need to take a break from all of that technology and live a little. Try going out to have a good time instead of going out to apply a test to every person whom you date.

Fun versus Success of Failure

Once upon a time we wrote about success on the first date.

You met this great man or woman and the two of you are going on a Saturday night date. Will you have fun? Will he or she like you? Will you have success on the first date? This depends, to a degree, on what you are looking for. If you simply want to meet someone new and get to know them you will likely have success on the first date. If you are looking for sex on the first date, that is a different matter. Developing a meaningful, long term relationship is not going to happen on the first date. But, sometimes there is love at first sight and you know from day one that he or she is the person you will spend the rest of your life with.

If dating has started to bore you then you need to consider dating just to have fun. Be spontaneous and don’t start making lists of the person’s good and bad points. It’s OK to meet someone, do something together and then consider after the fact if you want to see them again.

Trying Too Hard

We also wrote that trying too hard can jinx a relationship. The point is that some of us are caretakers. We get our good feelings from doing things for other people. That trait is not always good for a relationship and can first become boring and then destructive to you and your friend.

Caretakers believe that they are selfish if they take care of themselves instead of care-take others. They believe that they do not deserve to take care of themselves – that they have to earn love. It’s not that they don’t know how to love themselves – it’s that they don’t believe that they have the right to love themselves unless they are alone and no one needs them.

Getting rid of your sense that you don’t count, don’t deserve happiness until everyone else is OK and that love needs to be earned can be difficult.

Going out on a date to have fun is taking care of yourself and is healthy. If dating has become boring it may be because you are trying too hard to meet the perfect person or it may be because you don’t like yourself enough and believe that you need to become a servant to your new friend in order for you to receive love and acceptance. In each case you need to change course, go out on dates for a good time and don’t plan so hard for the future. It will arrive in its own good time.


¿Ser Suave y Femenina Atrae al Hombre que Deseas?

Recientemente nos topamos con algunas buenas ideas para las citas en www.News.Com.Au. Estos australianos hablaron sobre la sugerencia de un casamentero que las mujeres deben aceptar su gentil feminidad con el fin de mejorar las posibilidades de encontrar un compañero ideal.

Una agencia de relaciones públicas ha estado consiguiendo consejos frescos para las mujeres solteras de la ‘casamentera profesional’ Yvonne Allen. Según la Sra. Allen, que ha estado en el negocio de las citas por más de 40 años, las mujeres australianas están perdiendo de vista su ” suave feminidad” en el trabajo. ¿¡Qué!? Se están enfocando completamente en cosas frívolas cuando están en la oficina, cosas como hacer el trabajo que se les paga para hacer. Y esto, dice Allen, está obstruyendo las posibilidades románticas.

Este enfoque sería para

Protegerse contra el riesgo de convertirse en una solterona triste y solitaria con sólo una carrera estelar y cubetas de dinero para mantenerte caliente por la noche.

Al parecer, esta casamentera quiere que las mujeres modernas vuelvan al concepto de suspirar en la presencia de caballeros y se presenten como encantadoras pero vulnerables. ¿Ser suave y femenina te consigue al tipo que quieres?

Deseable Es Bueno

En primer lugar estamos concordamos con la idea de que la gente busca ciertas cualidades en una persona del sexo opuesto. Si no lo hicieran, no se molestarían en salir en citas. Por lo tanto, es una buena idea volverse deseable para las citas.

¿Cómo quieres presentarte cuando sales con alguien? ¿Quieres vestirte provocativamente para aumentar el deseo sexual en su pareja de citas? ¿O quieres presentarte como una persona competente, ingeniosa y agradable? Ten cuidado cuando tu intentas hacerte sexy para una cita y tenga en cuenta si estás buscando un encuentro romántico y sexual o una persona con quien pasar tu vida. Cuando tú te haces deseable para salir con alguien, ten en cuenta que las atracciones sexuales y otros factores son buenos para una relación. Generalmente buscamos más de una cosa en la persona que estamos conociendo. Sólo es importante siempre que cada persona sepa porque salen juntos.

Ser suave y femenina atrae a algunos chicos, pero exagerar puede conseguir al el tipo equivocado.

Fiel a Ti Misma

Si das una falsa impresión cuando empiezas a salir con alguien, puedes tener problemas para volver a tu verdadero yo y puedes perder a alguien a quien amas. Una vez escribimos sobre cosas tontas que hacemos por amor e incluimos fotos de desnudos a un idiota que luego las publicó en Internet.

Resulta que una joven se enamora de un hombre que la manipula al punto donde ella haría cualquier cosa por mantener su relación y su atención de las migajas que la persona le ofrece. Cosas tontas que hacemos por amor incluyen el hecho de que pidió fotos de ella desnuda como un testimonio de su amor constante. ¡Por supuesto prometió no mostrar esto a alguien más! Por supuesto cuando rompió con ese idiota él publicó sus fotos desnudas, su nombre, su dirección, sus direcciones de correo electrónico y página de Facebook en un sitio de web. Este sitio es dedicado a venganzas a ex novios y novias

Este es quizás un ejemplo extremo, pero ser suave, femenina y completamente flexible no es necesariamente una buena idea. Sé graciosa, sexy e inteligente al salir. Y siempre se tú misma también.


Does Being Soft and Feminine Get You the Guy You Want?

We recently found some useful thoughts about dating from news.com.au. These folks from down under discuss a matchmaker’s suggestion that women embrace their gentle femininity in order to improve their chances of finding an ideal mate.

A PR agency is shopping around fresh tips for single women from ‘professional matchmaker’ Yvonne Allen. According to Ms. Allen, who has been in the dating biz for more than 40 years, Australian women are losing sight of their “gentle femininity” at work. Gasp! They’re foolishly focusing on frivolous things when they’re at the office, things like doing the job they are being paid to do. And this, Ms. Allen warns, is obstructing romantic possibilities.

This approach would be to

guard against the risk of becoming a sad, lonely spinster with only a stellar career and bucket loads of money to keep you warm at night.

Apparently this matchmaker wants modern women to revert to concept of swooning in the presence of gentlemen and presenting themselves as ravishing but vulnerable. Does being soft and feminine get you the guy you want?

Desirable Is Good

First of all we do agree with the assertion that people look for certain qualities in a person of the opposite sex. If they didn’t they would not bother with dating. So it is a good idea to make yourself desirable for dating.

Just how do you want to present yourself when dating? Do you want to dress provocatively in order to raise sexual desire in your dating partner? Do you want to present yourself as a competent, resourceful, and altogether enjoyable person as well? Be careful when you seek to make yourself desirable for dating that you keep in mind whether you are looking for a romantic and sexual encounter or a person with whom  to spend your life. When you make yourself desirable for dating, sexual attraction and other factors are not mutually exclusive. We usually look for more than one thing in the person whom we are dating. Just be clear with you dating partner why the two of you are going out together.

Being soft and feminine attracts some guys but overdoing it may get you the wrong guy.

True to Yourself

If you create a false impression when you start dating you may have trouble reverting to your true self and may lose someone whom you love. We once wrote about dumb things we do for love and included providing nude photos to a jerk who later published them on the internet.

It turns out that a young woman fell hard for a man. He manipulated her to the point where she would do virtually anything to keep his attention and the little crumbs of affection that he offered. Dumb things we do for love include the fact that he demanded nude photos of her as a testimonial of her continued love. Of course he promised never to show these to anyone else! Needless-to-say when she broke up with this jerk he published her nude photos, name, address, email addresses, and Facebook page on a web site devoted to letting people get back at ex-boyfriends and girlfriends.

This is perhaps an extreme example but being soft, feminine and utterly pliable is not necessarily a good idea. Be funny, sexy and smart when dating. And always be yourself as well.


¿Existen Buenos Consejos Para Las Citas en Línea?

Siempre pareciera haber alguna noticia sobre alguna aplicación de citas problemática o problemas en general con las citas en línea. Y luego leímos de consejos de citas de un tipo en una popular serie de televisión, consejos de citas de desconocidos a través de una app de citas e incluso consejos de citas de la abuela de alguien con experiencia de cuando no había Internet. ¿Acaso todo esto son puras estafas? O ¿De verdad existen buenos consejos de citas? Para conseguir lo mejor de las citas en línea tienes que pensar en sus pros y sus contras.

Citas Rápidas Electrónicas

Las citas rápidas son una gran manera de conocer a mucha gente en un corto período de tiempo y ahí conocerá personas seleccionadas por algún tipo de criterios como afiliación religiosa.

Las citas rápidas tienen solo un poco más de una década de edad, pero los eventos formales que permiten conocer gente tienen una larga historia. El baile formal, las fiestas de presentación a la sociedad y diversas funciones culturales permiten que los jóvenes se reúnan en ambientes neutrales y a menudo chaperonados. El punto es permitir que ambas personas tengan la oportunidad de conocer a tantas personas como sea posible para ver si alguna chispa ocurre. La razón detrás de las citas relámpago de hoy en día es que el amor a primera vista es posible y que las relaciones a largo plazo pueden evolucionar a partir de estos eventos.

Las citas en línea son una versión de la era electrónica de estos eventos. Hasta este punto las buenas sugerencias tienen que ver con los conceptos básicos de presentarse a través de una foto y biografía. Y con sortear cuidadosamente a través de aquellos que quieren conocerte. Luego llegamos a la parte de conocer a la persona cara a cara.

Buenas Primeras Impresiones

Puede o no que te guste la persona que conociste en Internet y no se verán para tomarse un café. Pero quieres lograr una gran primera impresión para que él o ella esté interesado en ti.

Si crees que conocerás a la persona perfecta en una boda puedes vestirte elegantemente. Trajes de Armani, corbatas de seda de Bergdorf Goodman, y zapatos de Berluti son todos buenas elecciones si quieres deslumbrar a señorita perfecta. Si TÚ eres la señorita perfecta y quieres deslumbrarlo a él un vestido de diseñador y zapatos que hagan juego serían buena idea, tal vez con un collar de perlas para resaltar. Sin embargo, si se van a ver en el restaurante italiano del vecindario, un look casual no le va mal ni a los hombres ni a las mujeres. No trates de ser provocativa en una primera cita si deseas lograr una gran primera impresión. Y sobre todo, evita aparentar que no te importa cómo te veas porque eso da la impresión que no te importa lo que él o ella piense de ti.

Presentarse bien es siempre una buena idea e incluso comienza con cuando ustedes chateen en línea.

Y Más

Otras buenas ideas para las citas en línea son; ser honesto, no publicar fotos falsas, y no intentar explicar por qué sigues soltero, eso solo te hace ver desesperado. Deja que la otra persona hable y haga preguntas. A todo el mundo le gusta hablar de sí mismo, aprovecha y aprenderás más acerca de la otra persona escuchando, que dominando la conversación.


Calificar a Los Pretendientes Lleva a la Decepción al Vernos en Persona

Aquí hay otro problema con las aplicaciones de citas, la clasificación de posibles parejas. Este tipo de cosificación de parejas potenciales nos lleva a decepcionarnos cuando finalmente los vemos en persona. Según Quartz, las aplicaciones de citas hacen que la gente sea menos atractiva en la vida real.

Ahora un experimento ha arrojado algo de luz sobre una de las razones por la que la experiencia con las aplicaciones de citas pueda ser tan desalentadora: No sólo es que conoces a más gente a la que no te sientes atraído, pero que el acto de calificar y comparar a las personas por adelantado en realidad los hace parecer menos atractivos cuando se ven en persona.

Los investigadores de la Universidad de Kansas encontraron que cuando los sujetos vieron y calificaron fotos de posibles parejas y luego se encontraron con una de estas personas cara a cara, los resultados fueron predecibles y tristes. Cuando los sujetos se veían con la persona que habían calificado anteriormente, bajaban su opinión sobre si la persona era graciosa o divertida, carismática, y socialmente atractiva. De acuerdo con los investigadores las aplicaciones de citas reemplazan el proceso normal de conocer a alguien con un conjunto de criterios los cuales pasas o no. Notamos algo de este estilo en nuestro artículo acerca de cómo las citas en línea eliminan las posibilidades de relaciones de atractivo mixto.

Piensa en la película “Roxanne “con Steve Martin y Daryl Hannah. El personaje de Hannah, Roxanne, es una belleza sorprendente, mientras que Charlie, interpretado por Martin, tiene una enorme nariz que distorsiona sus características. En la película de 1987, Roxanne llega a amar al inteligente, ingenioso y poético Charlie a pesar de su aspecto poco atractivo, después de conocerlo bien. ¡Eso nunca sucedería hoy en día si ambos usaran apps de citas!

Roxanne simplemente calificaría a Charlie como un 2 y nunca le daría a la persona más interesante e inteligente que jamás encontraría una oportunidad. Y si Charlie veía y calificaba una foto de Roxanne con un diez, rebajaría esa calificación al conocerla basándose en la mecánica psicológica de cosificación a otra persona.

Cosificación Sexual

La definición del diccionario de cosificar, es el acto de ver o tratar a otra persona como un instrumento o cosa. Querer sexo es normal y desear sexo en la primera cita no es poco común para ambos sexos. Pero si la cosificación sexual se eleva a su máxima expresión, elimina todos los aspectos de personalidad, inteligencia, confiabilidad y otros rasgos positivos de la discusión. Calificar a las personas antes de conocerlas es normal, hasta cierto punto, pero la cuestión con las aplicaciones de citas es que la gente nunca está a la altura de nuestras expectativas cuando vemos y calificamos su foto en línea, y crearse expectativas antes de verse en persona tiende a envenenar nuestras posibilidades de conocer a esa otra persona y desarrollar una relación feliz. De hecho, puede ser más probable que conduzca a relaciones abusivas.

Eficiencia a Cuesta de Efectividad

Las aplicaciones de citas son eficientes y cumplen con el objetivo de citas en línea que es encontrar a muchas parejas potenciales y evitar a las personas que no quieres llegar a conocer. Pero con el fin de pasar al mundo real de citas cara a cara, conocer a alguien y decidir con quién pasar tu vida, necesitas ir mucho más allá de la cosificación que vemos al calificar fotos en una app de citas. El proceso puede ser eficiente, pero no es necesariamente eficaz en el cumplimiento de tus objetivos a largo plazo.


Are There Any Good Suggestions about Online Dating?

There always seems to be a piece in the news about a dating app gone wrong or problems in general with online dating. And then we read about online dating advice from a guy on a popular TV series, dating advice from the crowd via a dating app and even dating advice from someone’s grandma who dated when there was no internet. Is all of this a bunch of bunk or are there any good suggestions about online dating? To get the best out of online dating you have to think about its strengths and weaknesses.

Electronic Speed Dating

Speed dating is a great way to meet a lot of people in a short time and in speed dating you will be meeting people selected by some sort of criteria like religious affiliation.

Speed dating is only a little over a decade old but formal events that allow people to meet have a long history. Formal dancing, coming out parties, and various cultural functions allow young men and women to meet in neutral, and often chaperoned, settings. The point is to allow both persons an opportunity to meet as many people as possible to see if romance occurs. The rationale behind today’s speed dating is that love at first sight is possible and that long term relationships can evolve from these events.

Online dating is an electronic era version of speed dating. In this sense good suggestions about online dating have to do with the basics of presenting yourself via a photo and bio. And it has to do with thoughtfully sorting through those who want to meet you via the internet. Then it comes to meeting the person face to face.

Good First Impressions

You may or may not like the person whom you met on the internet and are not getting together with for a cup of coffee. But you want to make a great first impression so he or she will be interested in you.

If you expect to meet mister or miss perfect at a wedding you can dress up. Armani suits, silk ties from Bergdorf Goodman’s, and shoes from Berluti’s are all OK if you want to wow miss perfect. If you are miss perfect and want to wow mister wonderful a designer dress and matching shoes would be nice, perhaps with a string of pearls for accent. However, if you are getting together at the neighborhood Italian restaurant a snappy casual look will do just fine for both men and women. Don’t try to be provocative on a first date if you want to make a great first impression. No matter what, avoid looking like you don’t care what you wear because it comes off as not caring what he or she thinks.

Presenting yourself well is always a good idea and it even starts with when you chat online.

And More

Other good suggestions about online dating are to be honest, don’t post fake photos and try to explain why you are still single because it comes off as desperate. Let the other person chat or talk and ask questions. Everyone likes to talk about themselves and you will learn more about the other person by listening than by dominating the conversation.


Rating Prospective Dates Leads to Disappointment When We Meet Them

Here is another issue with dating apps, rating prospective dates. This sort of objectifying of potential partners leads to disappointment when we finally meet them. According to Quartz, dating apps make people less attractive in real life.

Now a lab experiment has shed some light on one of reasons the dating app experience can be so dispiriting: It’s not just that you meet more people you’re not attracted to, but that the act of rating and comparing people in advance actually makes them seem less attractive when you do meet.

Researchers at the University of Kansas found that when subjects saw and rated photos of potential mates and then met one of these people in person the results were predictable and sad. When subjects met the person they had previously rated they lowered their opinion of the person in regard to being fun or funny, having charisma and being socially attractive. According to the researchers dating apps replace the normal process of getting to know someone with a set of pass or fail decisions. We noted something of this sort in our article about how online dating kills the chance of mixed attractiveness relationships.

Think of the movie Roxanne with Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah. Hannah’s character, Roxanne, is a striking beauty whereas Charlie, played by Martin, has a huge nose which distorts his features. In the 1987 movie Roxanne comes to love intelligent, resourceful and poetic Charlie despite his unattractive looks when she gets to know him. That would never happen today if the two of them used dating apps!

Roxanne would simply rate Charlie a 2 out of 10 and never give the most interesting and intelligent person she would ever meet a second glance. And if Charlie saw and rated a photo of Roxanne as a ten he would downgrade that rating upon meeting her based on the psychological mechanics of objectifying another person.

Sexual Objectification

The dictionary definition of objectification is the act of seeing as or treating another person as an instrument of sexual pleasure. Wanting sex is normal and wanting sex on the first date is not uncommon for both sexes. But if sexual objectification is taken to its extreme it removes all aspects of personality, intelligence, trustworthiness and other positive traits from the discussion. Rating people before we meet them is normal to a degree but the pitfall with dating apps is that people never live up to our expectations when we see and rate their photo and rating before meeting tends to poison our chances of getting to know a person and developing a happy relationship. In fact it may be more likely to lead to abusive relationships.

Efficiency at the Cost of Effectiveness

Dating apps are efficient and fulfill the goal of online dating which is to find a lot of potential mates and avoid people we don’t want to get to know. But in order to move the real world of face to face dating, getting to know someone and deciding whom to spend your life with you need to move way past the sort of objectification that we see with rating photos on a dating app. The process may be efficient but it is not necessarily effective in meeting your long term goals.


Como Cambiar Tu Enfoque Lleva al Éxito en Las Citas

Quizás no estás consiguiendo muchas citas. O tal vez tienes la primera cita caliente ocasional que nunca lleva a la segunda cita o a una relación feliz. Este artículo trata sobre cómo cambiando tu enfoque tendrás más citas con éxito. Psychology Today escribe sobre el defecto fatal que hay con los consejos de citas.

La mayoría de los consejos de citas prometen llevarnos al amor duradero, pero daña nuestra oportunidad de encontrarlo. Se centra incesantemente en una cosa – tu atractivo. En realidad, el secreto del éxito es menos sobre de tu atractivo, y más sobre de tus atracciones.

La lista es interminable: Aprende a ser irresistible. Hazte el difícil. Actúa con confianza. Conviértete en un hombre alfa. Atrae a un hombre alfa. Conviértete en una diosa femenina. Conviértete en una perra. Estos consejos brillan con la promesa de auto-transformación, pero incrustado por dentro hay un feo caballo de Troya – la idea de que, cuando realmente piensas en ello, simplemente no eres lo suficientemente atractivo.

Eso no quiere decir que hacerse más atractivo no sea una gran cosa; lo es. Es un regalo para nosotros y para nuestra futura pareja. Sin embargo, cuando se convierte en nuestra forma principal para encontrar al amor, es como estar siendo envenenado lentamente, sin saber nunca la fuente.

¿Recuerdas cuando escribimos acerca de cómo las citas en línea eliminan la posibilidad de relaciones de atractivo mixto?

Aquí hay otra queja más sobre las nuevas aplicaciones de citas. Eliminan la posibilidad de una relación de atractivo mixto. Piensa en la película “Roxanne “con Steve Martin y Daryl Hannah. El personaje de Hannah, Roxanne, es una belleza sorprendente, mientras que Charlie, interpretado por Martin, tiene una enorme nariz que distorsiona sus características. En la película de 1987, Roxanne llega a amar al inteligente, ingenioso y poético Charlie a pesar de su aspecto poco atractivo, después de conocerlo bien. ¡Eso nunca sucedería hoy en día si ambos usaran apps de citas!

Si todos no estuviéramos tan apurados por tener sexo en la primera cita, tal vez podríamos encontrar más amigos, incluso al esquivo y poético Charlie de Roxanne. Con esto en mente, la APS (Asociación para la Ciencia Psicológica por sus siglas en ingles) escribe que conocerse por más tiempo nivela del campo de juego romántico.

De acuerdo con los nuevos hallazgos publicados en la revista “Psychological Science”, una revista de la Asociación para la Ciencia Psicológica, quienes se convierten en pareja poco después de conocerse tienden a ser más similares en atractivo físico que quienes se convierten en pareja después de un tiempo de conocerse.

“Nuestros resultados indican que la percepción de la belleza en una pareja romántica podría cambiar con el pasar del tiempo, mientras los individuos se conocen mejor antes de comenzar a salir en citas”, dice la investigadora principal, Lucy Hunt, de la Universidad de Texas en Austin. “Tener más tiempo para conocerse puede permitir que otros factores, tales como la compatibilidad de la otra persona como pareja romántica, hagan que la persona sea más llamativa de formas que eclipsen más fácilmente las características observables tales como el atractivo físico. O tal vez la persona podría incluso volverse más atractiva en los ojos de la otra persona, por virtud de estos otros factores”.

Resulta que la opinión sobre la deseabilidad varía con la longitud del tiempo que se conozcan. Factores tales como el sentido del humor y honestidad salen a la luz y opacan al atractivo físico, especialmente si el atractivo físico no se combina con otras características positivas.

En pocas palabras, cambiar tu enfoque de que tan atractivo seas tú o tu pareja a cosas como sentido del humor, interés sobre cosas de la vida y honestidad  lleva a tener citas más agradables y relaciones duraderas.


How Changing Your Focus Leads to Dating Success

Maybe you are not getting many dates. Or maybe you have the occasional hot first date that never leads to second date or to a happy relationship. This article is about how changing your focus leads to dating success. Psychology Today writes about the fatal flaw in dating advice.

Most dating advice promises to lead us to lasting love, but erodes our chance of ever finding it. It relentlessly focuses on one thing – your attractiveness. In reality, the secret to success is less about your attractiveness, and more about your attractions.

The list is endless: Learn to be irresistible. Play hard to get. Act confident. Become an alpha man. Attract an alpha man. Become a feminine goddess. Become a bitch.  These tips shine with the promise of self-transformation, but embedded within is an ugly Trojan Horse – the belief that, when it really comes down to it, you’re simply not attractive enough.

That’s not to say that becoming more attractive isn’t a great thing; it is. It’s a gift to ourselves and to our future partner. Yet when it becomes our primary path to finding love, it’s like being slowly poisoned, without ever knowing the source.

Remember when we wrote about how online dating kills the chance of mixed attractiveness relationships?

Here is one more complaint about new dating apps. They kill the chance of mixed-attractiveness relationships. Think of the movie Roxanne with Steve Martin and Daryl Hannah. Hannah’s character, Roxanne, is a striking beauty whereas Charlie, played by Martin, has a huge nose which distorts his features. In the 1987 movie Roxanne comes to love intelligent, resourceful and poetic Charlie despite his unattractive looks when she gets to know him. That would never happen today if the two of them used dating apps!

If we all weren’t in such an all fired hurry for sex on the first date maybe we could find more friends, even the elusive and poetic Charlie from Roxanne. In this regard APS (Association for Psychological Science) writes that longer acquaintance levels the romantic playing field.

Partners who become romantically involved soon after meeting tend to be more similar in physical attractiveness than partners who get together after knowing each other for a while, according to new findings published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science.

“Our results indicate that perceptions of beauty in a romantic partner might change with time, as individuals get to know one another better before they start dating,” says lead researcher Lucy Hunt of the University of Texas at Austin. “Having more time to get acquainted may allow other factors, such as another person’s compatibility as a relationship partner, to make that person appealing in ways that outshine more easily observable characteristics such as physical attractiveness. Or perhaps another person might actually become more attractive in the eyes of the beholder by virtue of these other factors.”

It turns out that opinion about desirability changes with the length of acquaintance. Factors such as sense of humor and honesty come to light and overshadow physical attractiveness, especially if the physical attractiveness is not combined with other positive features.

In short, change your focus from your attractiveness and the attractiveness of your new friend to things like sense of humor, interest in the things of life and honesty. This leads to more enjoyable dating and lasting relationships.


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